Life with Kids and Traveling with them too!

I was working in the corporate world before I had my daughter. I had received 2 promotions and was on my way to receive my 3^rd when I decided that upon the birth of my first child, I wanted to stay home. It wasn’t difficult leaving the “grown-up, corporate” world for the “mommy world”. I remember the first few months while my daughter slept most of the day, I found myself enjoying the time I had to watch Oprah, Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. I remember thinking, “This is what it feels like to stay at home! This is great!” I adjusted easily into my new role. Occasionally, when I would have lunch with former colleagues or talk with them on the phone, I had a little tug inside of me that wondered if I my career was passing me by, while I watched Elmo videos and sorted the laundry. But, one look at my daughter’s face and I would tell myself, it didn’t matter. How many mothers wished they had the choice to stay at home? I knew of many and knew that I was lucky. When my daughter was about 5 months old, a former client called me. He wondered if I would consider doing his work again. It didn’t take me long to say yes (about 10 seconds). I must have hit the jackpot!! I was getting to stay home with my baby, while earning some extra money at the same time! Sounded like heaven! Six years later and another child later, my “making some extra money” has turned into my own, “official” practice. No longer just working from home, I now have an office outside the home and even a few employees. It has been and continues to be a never-ending struggle between my “mommy” brain and my “career” brain. I never planned on this, and probably never dreamed of this. It’s very obvious to me now that this was not a well thought out plan, as I pay the consequences for my bad decisions frequently. One major flaw was charging clients significantly less than others in my field for my services. I justified this by telling myself because I worked from home and was a “mommy”, it somehow justified me charging less than others in my profession. It has taken me many years (and countless conversations with my hubby) to finally realize that my services are just as valuable as Mr. Joe Blow who works in the fancy office with the fancy suit and the fancy car. Another flaw, was making myself available to my clients all day, every day. Not a good idea, particularly, when you have two children, a husband, and a second business. Having actual office hours now has been a difficult concept for my clients to grasp. Did I mention before this wasn’t a well, thought out plan? My biggest dilemma has been juggling my two worlds – my “mommy-world” and my “career-world”. It is not with out a lot of effort, guilt, exhaustion, and stress that I somehow manage to make it through my days. January through April are the busiest times in my profession, so it is well suiting that during this time I have encountered my biggest struggle. Recently while driving my daughter to school she very nonchalantly said to me, “Mommy, when I grow up I am not going to do what you do because I don’t want to have to work so much.” There was an immediate stabbing pain in my heart. This must be what a heart attack feels like I thought to myself. I fought back the tears as I contemplated what she had just said to me. My mommy brain interpreted it this way: “Mommy, you are not spending enough time with me. Mommy, I miss you because you are always working. Mommy, why are you choosing work over me?” Once I dropped her off, the tears flowed easily. What was I doing? My family was the most important thing in my life. Was it so terrible for me to want to have a career too? Hadn’t I devoted the last 4 -5 years entirely to them? Nevertheless, the tears flowed. I caved into the guilt. Burdened with the feeling that I was the most selfish and horrible mother in the world, I gave into the guilt. I was torn between two different worlds. I should be ecstatic that I was now the owner of my own practice. A practice that was somehow doing well, despite my “flaws” in developing it. However, I yearned to be there more for my kids. My husband reminded me that I was doing both and I was doing them quite well. In his words, “You just volunteered in our daughter’s Kindergarten class, you took our son to the park for a play date, you just made 12 shamrock bags for the Girl Scouts, and you are working seven days a week…you are doing an amazing job.” I wanted to believe what he said was true, but a little voice inside of me said, “You could do more. And he‘s your husband, he‘s supposed to tell you nice things..“ Again, I covered myself in a blanket of guilt. In my very “rare” spare time, I managed to read a book. There was a line in the book that stuck with me. A character in the book was torn between two worlds (ironic, I know) and her husband said to her, “It’s all about balance, love.” Suddenly, my life was all about balance. Like a pendulum, trying not to swing too far to the left or too far to the right. Trying to stay in balance. That’s the hard part. As I gave my son kisses this morning and said goodbye to the babysitter, I saw the joy in my son’s face as my babysitter took him for a ride in his bike. I ignored the thoughts inside me that said, “That should be me giving him a ride.” I hurried off to my meeting. It was time to get my “career-brain” in motion. As I arrived just in time for my appointment, my client smiled and said, “How are you?”. I had the sudden urge to shout out and say, “I was up until midnight working on your stuff, than my son got up twice last night, so I didn’t get much sleep. My babysitter was late, which almost made me late. I still have glue on my fingers from working on yesterday’s craft with my daughter and I was frantically trying to clean the peanut butter off my pants just before I walked into your office. That’s how I’m doing today!” I realized, this probably wasn’t the best answer, so I politely answered, “I’m doing okay.” I quietly reminded myself, “It’s all about balance, love.” Soon, I was knee deep in talk about capital gains and losses. It’s a good day when I don’t have somebody wanting something from me or someone upset because I’m not doing their stuff fast enough. It’s a good day when I don’t have a knot in my stomach because I feel like I’ve missed something in my children’s day. It’s a good day when the mommy guilt keeps itself at bay. It’s a GREAT DAY when I’ve managed to keep it all in balance. After all, it’s all about balance, love.

8 Comments » -
Fatal error: Call to undefined function mdv_comment_plugger() in /usr/home/outbo018/public_html/travelingbaby/wp-content/themes/razzle-dazzle-10/date.php on line 26